It was a day before the exams when I got to know that someone close to me has, all along, been a closet Christian. It shook me really badly and I spent the day being a weepy bitch. Because

1. No one should be so oppressed such that they cannot openly announce their faith. 
2. I'm immensely disappointed in myself that I didn't read all the signs, I didn't piece up the clues that were right infront of my nose because I'm so self-absorbed. I should have been there when that someone chose to join the Christian fellowship to support, caution, and affirm. 

I would be heartbroken if that someone got sucked into religion because at that point of time that someone couldn't find anyone to relate to, because I was always present and that person chose not to thrash it out to me. The relationship plays a central role in my life and I'm disappointed that in my capacity as someone close, I did not pay enough attention and show my affection and support. After my thoughts cleared up abit I immediately texted a pious close friend in hopes that he can shed some light on this issue.

In our lowest times of trials and tribulations, we seek solace and fall back on the same people and/or things, perhaps out of habit. To me, this devotion which spans across and takes on so many forms (in religion, a soulmate close friend family etc, binge-eating) is very interesting because we never seem to get sick of it. Like, out of so many things that make us happy, why do we persistently recognise a particular something as our number one solace?

EXAMS ARE OVER! So many problems to work on and showing abit of affirmation to that someone in an attempt at self-redemption is on the top of my list. It would take an amazing amount of tact and circumspection but I am confident I can get my message across. Problems like these keep me down-to-earth and headstrong, and I am almost proud to welcome them with open arms.
No more hoping that things would just die down - like what people advised me - with passivity and incessant, nervous waiting. It is uncharacteristic of a proactive person that is yours truly. - HAIR FLIP - I take the bull by its horns.

I cannot wait for next semester, but meanwhile, I'm going to take pleasure in doing things I like.
N.B. I caught A Clockwork Orange play (OMG!) this month and I'll be doing a review soon when I'm less overwhelmed by all the things I can do with copious amount free time.

Sometimes when you realise that big, bad things are happening to close people around you, the 4 page essay you have been fretting over seems pathetic. The perturbation of today's mistakes and how you often fumble infront of people dwarf in comparison to the emotional baggage some people have no choice but to lug. Upon introspection, you admonish yourself for being so insulated from the bigger, badder things that can happen to you.

Big, bad stuff happen to people around me all the time, and like waves, the realisation that you're privileged hits you, then it ebbs as you continue to look for an axe to grind.

I have to remind myself that these minute fusses that constantly irk me are CHOICES I choose to take on. It's either I take a look on the brighter side of things, or don't even bother about them at all.

Unfortunate incidences put things into perspective - you don't know what can go wrong when they don't go wrong. Also, how wrong is wrong? Sure I have my share of long-running bad stuff of proportions greater than myself. Sometimes, these things compel me to sleep it off, and sometimes it keeps me awake at night. But sympathy tells me that problems other people are facing are probably worse than mine. I don't know if these people feel a commensurate amount of sadness towards their problems as I to mine, but if I were in their shoes I would probably feel like shit.

I think I need constantly remind myself how each of us probably has their own demon to fend against. I have mine; dormant, tame. I'm not too sure for other people's, but I hope that everyone is doing well.

OCD - Neil Hilborn

I shared this on my Facebook page a few days ago, from a random page off the net but the title was "Man with OCD Perfectly Describes What It's Like to Love Someone When You Have a Disorder", which sounds so stupid and it doesn't do the poem any justice, so here I am.

I came across this video on tumblr, I think, many months back, and I loved it so much! A few days ago I had a lecture on psychological disorders which probably prompted me to revisit it.

I am not a poem-reading person because I don't quite understand and appreciate the beauty of it, like how does chopping up a sentence into different lines make a paragraph anymore beautiful? Poe's poems (which are the only poems I've ever read lol - I think 'The Bells' is quite enjoyable) are really good, but sometimes I can't understand because of his archaic expressions. I know Roald Dahl has alot and they're really funny, but they're for kids. Then you have Lang Leav, whoever she is, whose poems annoy the shit out of me because all about it is heartbreak and love and I construe this image of her as this weeping, whiny, overly-emotional lady (I really cannot help it) and even the cover seems insanely pretentious I cannot take it.

Moving on, I guess poetry slams are different, because in a soliloquy there's abit more expression. And YESSSSS 'OCD' was delivered beautifully! It has beauty, sadness, quirkiness - all in one short recital.

I've been exploring other of his poems and this one is really funny

" Remember always the hipster creed: “Why be efficient when you could be inefficient?”

" Remember always the hipster ideal: if you base your life around your possessions, make sure they are bizarre, inconvenient, and obsolete, for then no one can accuse you of being shallow. "

Diary of Anne Frank + Predestination (2014), Inside Out (2015),The Martian (2015)

Every time I look through one of those "Books to Read Before You Die" Lists, The Diary of Anne Frank pops up. I won't say the book is that amazing, but for sure reading a true life account of hiding in WWII is somewhat interesting. 

I get heavyhearted whenever Anne speaks about her hopes about the future after the war, her prospects as a journalist and a burgeoning writer. Knowing that towards the end she eventually dies bearing all these hopeful aspirations really makes me feel discontented at the lack of happy ending because such a bright young lady obviously deserves better. Anne's positivity in the face of war cannot be ignored. 

As with all teenage girls, a part of her diary was devoted to her development of affection for Peter, the strife between her and her mother, and her relationships and opinions on those who were in the Secret Annexe. Being cooped up in the hiding place obviously made her desperate for physical intimacy with Peter (who she then realises wasn't manly enough for her), and frustrated at the littlest interactions with her family. It got a bit dreary when she goes on about the internal conflict within herself, how despite the veneer of happiness and witticisms, she is in fact tender, sensitive and quiet, which is probably so common in the phase of pubescence. 

Being a diary, there were alot of introspection which made me feel some sort of a connection with Anne herself when I was reading and I guess this is what makes The Diary of Anne Frank a perennial, posthumous favourite. 3.5/5 A very simple read, because you might have to dumb yourself down to understand the workings of a 14 year old. But this should not dilute Anne Frank's optimistic, soul-searching personality that thoroughly resonates throughout the book. 

There have also been a few books whose reviews I've been putting off. These I have completed before school started/just started, and I'll do a short condensed review:

The White Tiger - Aravind Adiga
4.5/5 
Go read it, you'll be enlightened by the first-person recount of a Indian servant-turned-entrepreneur. The book speaks to you, the words leap out and grab you; you'll feel that someone actually regales you with their success story with splashes of dark humour on the impossible social ladder in India. Why is this not made into a movie???

Between the Assassinations - Aravind Adiga
2.5/5
Thankfully I gave Adiga another shot as I chose to read The White Tiger. Between the Assassinations was a series of short stories leading no where, or rather, I couldn't dissect or discern the point Adiga was trying to make. About India's caste system and poverty.

Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk 
4/5
The movie could succinctly summarise the book, and would probably be an ideal option for those who can't follow Palahniuk's style of writing (I tried my best). Despite the contemporary prose of the brilliant/trying-too-hard Palahniuk (I sit on the fence regarding this), Fight Club is shocking and refreshing, very characteristic of Palahniuk.

The Girl on the Train - I don't really care
2/5
Remember Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn? Something similar, but less mystery, because the main character blacks out very often and halfway through the book I'm so jaded by her mucking around and practically doing nothing but bathing herself in alcohol that I don't even bother to keep up with the mystery.

Brave New World - Aldous Huxley 
4/5
One of the Big 3 of dystopian novels, but very unfortunately I can't remember much of the story, perhaps because it did't strike me as much as it should. Set in the future where hedonism is ideal and is the key to peace, a savage from the Savage Reservation (think normal people with normal ideals - Shakespeare-appreciating, monogamous) forays into this utopic society and ends up being very conflicted with loving Lenina.

Predestination (2014)

- "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?"
- "The Rooster."

If you know me rather well you'd know that one of my least favourite book/movie genre is Sci-Fi but this 2014 Australian film did it. Lousy poster aside, this time-travelling movie has a pretty solid plot (and this probably says alot especially coming from someone who's ever so skeptical about science fiction). I was talking to Thien about how I like intelligent movies, and she brought this up and so we spent an evening being a pair of couch potatoes - despite being in a flurry of deadlines and events this week!

A man walks into a bar - 'man', in this case - Sarah Snook passed off as a convincing 'John' with her strong jaw which made her resemble Leonardo DiCaprio (lol). As her life story unfurls, the movie drags, but having her flashback occupying so much screentime means that it's obviously important. John reveals that "When she was a little girl...." - the bartender (Ethan Hawke) does a double-take - she was headstrong, and was bereft of social decorum and therefore friends. Magic happens when you realise the impossibly intricate relationship between 'John', his past female identity 'Jane', and the bartender.

These 3 identities are connected by the "Predestination Paradox" - which essentially loops the cause and effect relationship within a duration of time. If you have the chicken, mustn't it hatch from an egg? But doesn't the egg come from a chicken? Of course, I grappled with this idea even after the movie, but the movie is still really mind-blowing! It was adapted from the 1959 short story "'—All You Zombies—'" by Robert A. Heinlein, which I'll probably read and review it.

*** SPOILER***

How do you procreate yourself???? Just like what Thien said "This takes narcissism to a whole new level" oh dear. If there's any point in time where the Predestination Paradox perpetuates itself, it must be when 'John' decides to love 'Jane' in absence of contraception, dammit. This brings us to a plot hole, which is that Jane seemingly readily takes on masculinity after a traumatic birth (of herself...'cause PARADOX oh my) which changes her sex only. Anyway, it takes a hell lot of loneliness for someone to have sex with their opposite-sex-self while being FULLY AWARE that they are literally, THE SAME PERSON. Which isn't so far-fetched considering that the movie paid substantial amount of attention to how Jane couldn't click with any other people.

There is also an underlying subtlety in the response "The Rooster" to the Chicken-Egg question. Neither chicken or egg, The Rooster suggests a prominent figure that puts the Predestination Paradox into traction, which in this case, I feel is the secret time-travelling organisation whose mission is to prevent as many future crimes as possible. Throughout the movie Robertson seems to be egging 'John' to continue the loop - perhaps to retain him as one of his agents, since if 'John' does otherwise, he ceases to exist.

*** END *** 

Overall, a pretty brilliant movie, 8.7/10. I'm quite surprised that this wasn't released with much fanfare last year, because I first heard of it only when it was recommended. As with time-travelling, my tenses for this review are all over the place.

Inside Out (2015)

Inside Out was surprisingly good! It has been AGES since I last watched a Pixar movie [Monsters University (2013)] - again, not exactly a fan of animated movies. I really liked the personification of individual emotion because it is quite funny that each character-emotion displays their typical emotion-characteristics. During the movie I can't help but going back to whatever I've learnt in my Psychology Intro (the different theories of emotion, and how they differ from this movie, long/short term memories, and how personality is an agglomeration of experience-fueled traits). The only gripe is that the allusions to so much psych stuff makes Inside Out age-inappropriate. I mean, kids won't grasp the whole emotion-character thing. 7.7/10! Finally a refreshing idea after Monsters Inc. 

The Martian (2015)

I was really looking forward to this movie because its trailer was quite interesting and I was quite interested in seeing how being stranded in space would play out. Sadly other than the beginning and end the movie was a little boring and totally draggy and halfway through I just can't wait for him to go home. Plus I kinda realised that the scenes all consisted of Matt Damon, alot of Martian soil, spacecraft stuff which made the scenes so...unvaried. 5/10

I hate to admit this, but I really miss my friends :-(
I'm not too verbal or comfortable with mawkish feelings and corny dispositions, but recently hanging out with people who'd formed a large part of my secondary school life really contrasts with that of University. We touched on how the deepest friendships are usually forged when we were naive to whatever adulthood has in store for us, ignorant of the consequences that are contingent upon on our actions. We wore our hearts on our sleeves without any qualms because being young, sunny and dumb insulates us from things we cannot avoid upon hitting adulthood. Now that we are, presumably, mature, and fully aware of the enormity of adulthood, priorities start to kick in and the struggle for the head-start in life consumes the ambitious among us. I honestly feel very heartened to see people I hold dear to develop passion and belief in whatever they are doing, and how some of them have already hit their first few milestones in life! Invariably, I cannot help but compare myself to them, and fear that I'll be the odd one out still struggling in coming to terms with myself and the capricious future. But of course, I seek the assurance that it's totally fine!!! There's nothing wrong being 19 and not have a yellow brick road set in mind. Life to short to even care at all ohohoh oh ohhhhhh oh

On, like, Stuff

On my holidays:

As of now, I'm down to my last 4 days of holiday. A holiday, my holiday, that I can call a true, clean break from whatever frenetic mess that preceded it. Let's put this into perspective: never in my life I'll get another 8 months' worth of nothingness, except when I start receiving CPF payouts. It is pure remorse I did not do anything extraordinary or anything that I'm particularly proud of. 

On studying (again) and the future:

I'm one of those students that looks forward to the new school term because it provides sorta like a clean slate where I can carve out a name for myself through hardwork and stellar results and

Whatever. You know me. But I'm having this mid-mid-life crisis too; What do I want in life? How can a CAP of 5.0 help me achieve what I want in life? 

Oh hold on, I am acting on the assumption that the hardworking grubber still sees to the day. 

What if I get a CAP f 0.5 instead? 

The end goal in my time in secondary school and junior college was as clear - there was only one, study now, get as many A's, bonus if it's all A's, think later. Setting the ending goal now is completely futile without a clear vision in mind. And what ending goal? End of what? 

Small steps. Get as many A's, but think now. 

On new environment:

It's great to step into a new institution that offers a new environment and experience - the only perk to the sad realisation that once again, you are subjected to the unforgivable cycle of lectures, tutorials and the merciless/merciful bellcurve demon/deity. Participating in a separate academic program boasting of its own tight-knit community (oh, wonder why people label us exclusive and elitist) forces me to actually socialise lest I relapse into my chao mugger persona I have veneered for the past number of years. I hope I'll adapt well and form new relationships. 

On the past:

It doesn't matter! 

Hannibal Season 3: Antipasto

NBC Hannibal is back! I have been keeping tab on this series after Season 2 ended for its latest progress, and I'm so happy now that I finally have a weekly drama to look forward to. Season 2 left off with cliff hangers to the betrayal showdown between Will Graham and Hannibal, having culminated into a bloody melee in which Abigail Hobbs died (should have a long time ago), Alana Bloom was flung out of the window (no one cares), and poor Jack Crawford was trying to contain the projectile spurts of his artery. I'm pretty sure Jack had survived and will be making his appearance in this season. Oh, and Dr. Chilton too, who got shot in the face. And of course Will Graham, with a new addition of a scar on his stomach.

Season 2 finale also gave a prelude to the Hannibal-Bedelia relationship which, I predict, will be one of the focus of Season 3, judging by Antipasto. I used to dislike Bedelia Du Maurier in Season 2 because of her lazy weird accent, and that I couldn't quite put my finger on where her loyalties lay. In Antipasto, Bedelia's situation become the focus of this exciting premiere, a good break from the entire FBI-Will Graham-Hannibal triangle in Season 2.

I MUST RAVE about the cinematography of the Hannibal series. The past 2 seasons played with alot of CGI effects (which aren't too fake) especially when Will's nightmares haunt him, and from what I know, the humanoid stag will still be screwing with Will's mind this season. Season 3, judging from Antipasto, seems to take on more stylish effects. I don't know how to describe them using cinematographic jargons, but just note that Antipasto had alot of scenes of slow-mo cascading fluid, black and white scenes, and even changes in aspect ratio to frame flashbacks. I can't decide if these are too much to play with in one single espisode; it seems that the Hannibal cinematography is straddling between very-cool and trying-too-hard for this season. Sound effects and music were good. Of course, I'm not surprised.

A peek into Bedelia Du Maurier's past. Bedelia had been manipulated by Hannibal (reminiscent of poor Will Graham) and is indebted to the cannibal. Out of fear, she becomes an unwilling accomplice and is coerced into playing Hannibal's wife in Europe. Antipasto shows how Bedelia can't escape from Hannibal even though she'd end up on his menu either way.
There were a few flashback scenes of the quickly diminishing Abel Gideon (think limb by limb) dining on himself with master chef Hannibal. I'm still unsure of Gideon's fate, and how he'll play out this season, but he offers good insights on Hannibal's desires and intentions - ah, the proverbial "It takes one to know one".

In Antipasto, our stupid unsuspecting lamb is Anthony Dimmond, who unfortunately, didn't make it out of this episode alive. Hannibal's big step out of his fugitive life was assuming the identity and job of a curator [which he argues that he'd "won by merit" (lol, seriously) evidently after emerging victor from his poetic showdown with the snobbish Professor Soglianto] (On a side note, we can also anticipate who'll end up on the menu #EatTheRude). Dimmond, being the assistant of the authentic Dr. Fell, only got to know of the identity heist after attending "Dr. Fell"'s lecture and was killed duh after a confrontation.

The only thing that irked me was how can someone NOT RECOGNISE a change in identity of a prominent curator and academic????? MAJOR friable storyplot but it's ok I forgive because the drama is too irresistable.

Hands down, the best scene - Unsuspecting lamb Dimmond, still unaware of Hannibal's new identity, taking the dinner-time sexual banter too figuratively:

Dimmond: You avoiding meats?
Bedelia: I'm trying not to eat anything with a central nervous system.
Dimmond: Oysters, acorns and marsala. That's what ancient Romans would feed animals to improve their flavour.  

Bedelia looks unsettled and glances at Hannibal 

Hannibal, chewing, looks at back at her with a subtle knowing smile 

Bedelia: My husband has a very sophisticated palate. He's very particular about how I taste. 

Dimmond pleasantly surprised with the innuendo, stares at Bedelia incredulousy, then at Hannibal

Hannibal averts his smile from Bedelia to Dimmond

Dimmond: -to Bedelia- Is it that kind of party? 

Hannibal: looking at Bedelia, who is uncomfortable, smiles- It's not that kind of party
Bedelia: No. It really isn't. 
Dimmond: Shame. You were both suddenly so fascinating.  

Bedelia and Hannibal, who is beaming, both take a sip of wine 

I also like dialogues in the Hannibal series. To complement its dark theme, The dialogues between characters, especially Hannibal's, are quite profound and implicit and you'd have to think it through for better understanding. Which sometimes can be abit of a bother when I just wanna have abit of brainless entertainment.

Will Graham has yet to make an appearance in Season 3 and I'm definitely looking forward to him flirting with the devil.

Dimmond: “Clearly you found him as distasteful as I did.”  

Hannibal: “Quite the contrary"

Bonsoir. 

Horrorstör - Grady Hendrix

Pardon me, I might be slow, but what the hell are book trailers? I just came across this Horrorstör 'book trailer' on YouTube while finding photos of its book so I can rave about its design but now, chancing upon this weird trend that I not know of, I have this sudden stroke of epiphany.

Just like movie trailers, book trailers seem to function as a visual expectation of the piece of media. While movie trailers are constructed of spliced scenes from the actual movie itself, and therefore giving the viewer an accurate pre-show, book trailers on the other hand leave little room for the reader's imagination because all these scenes serve as spoonfed visual expectations. I mean, just think about it; I watched the Harry Potter movies before starting on the book series, and now whenever I pick up any of its books, I immediately construe corresponding scenes from the movies to aid my imagination, mapping the movie stars' faces onto the characters'. Thinking about it, there's actually nothing wrong with that, but don't you lose that element of visual creation and imagination that books offer?
But thankfully, the book trailers I've clicked around on YouTube so far like this and this are of such sub-par quality, they defeat their original purpose of advertising. Maybe they appeal to a younger audience? I don't know.

Absolutely love the design concept. From the covers, to a few pages into the book where they state their terms and policies and Orsk's motto (just like IKEA catalogues), and to chapter covers. Fine parody.

Actually, Horrorstör is my first horror novel. I mean, I've read Poe's short tales (which can be REALLY creepy if you use your imagination well), but never a book cataloged under the horror genre. [One of my favourite Poe tales: here.] I was curious how the author would try to sustain the feeling of fear within the reader for the entire course of the book, but I'm just dismayed because Horrorstör wasn't creepy, nor frightening. To "get in the mood" I went as far as to turning off the lights and searching "creepy music" on YouTube. Urgh, very lame, but all in vain.

The central theme of this 246 paged book is the inevitability of the daily grind that pawns of the economy, like us, subscribe ourselves to. So you have the skeptical Amy, a mere college drop-out, making both ends meet with her less than satisfactory work at Orsk, and Basil, who has already been insidiously indoctrinated by Orsk's phony taglines like "Approachable And Agreeable Attitude" to become a "Shop Responsible" store manager. I really can't help but have those "I KNOW RIGHT" moments and feel empathetic towards Amy when reading her private thoughts. Like you know you're not in line for customer service when you choose to display anti-social behaviour at work in bleak hope of scaring customers to seek help from your partner instead. And I'm not talking about Amy.

Back to the book. Think Running Man in Ikea (people chasing people), but in a horror setting. Someone is possessed, relinquishing an army of not-so-scary penitents who had similarly undergone mundane work. There were a few other characters in the book that seemed so convenient to exist that you realise that their presence is just a function for a gore spectacle - a horror story, some people just must die or get hurt or disappear. The book was bereft of emotion, or maybe I was, because Amy (or I) didn't have a deep enough connection with the aforementioned expendables.

Something I gleaned from the book was the ingenious purpose of IKEA's Orsk's showroom layout. Think about it! A maze of furniture in Swedish drag in an expanse of land, no windows or doors to suggest the time of the day. You don't get lost, though, because the handy directory will guide you through every section of the marketfloor even if you're in search of a pillow. You don't take the shortcuts because you cannot resist looking at those iconic showrooms brimming of cheap but stylish Swedish flair.

Seriously, read more here. To be honest, I feel a little stupid now that I realise I've been a tried and tested specimen in a psychologically manipulative retail machination. The worst thing is that I still really like the IKEA showrooms??? Horrorstör was just okay, 2.5/5, ok maybe 2.9 for its design. And didactic sidetrack to pull me out of today's voracious consumerism.